I know it is boring to hear but it’s true – yes, I am still in recovery.
I still struggle a lot and have bad days and just recently I have struggled more than I have done for some time. I had more than the odd bad day and I felt that numbness and black cloud fully descended onto me.
I had felt it coming, the signs were there but I thought I could handle it. I believed I could fight it off alone, the exhaustion, the not caring about how I looked, the not eating properly. I should be able to handle it all myself by now now, right?
The exhaustion from pregnancy mixed with the exhaustion from my mental health slipping was becoming unbearable. I kept on pushing myself everyday with every aspect of my life so not to disappoint anyone. Surely being pregnant means I shouldn’t be struggling like this? This does seem to be the general consensus. How can I possibly be depressed when I am going to give birth in a few weeks? Well you what, I have no idea, but I am!
The mood swings have also returned – thanks BPD – I feel so so guilty that my husband and son have to endure these roller coaster of emotions too and it does just add to the awful feelings of self loathing.
Like I said I felt myself slipping a few weeks ago and I hid it and hid it and pulled on my mask so that no one would know. But unfortunately it reached its peak just a week or so ago and I just couldn’t cope anymore. It was then I plucked up the courage to ask for help. I spoke to my midwife who told me she couldn’t do anything and to speak to me CPN. I made an appointment with her and told her everything but she said there was nothing really they could now as I am pregnant. I’d need to wait until after the birth?? I mean seriously?!
Getting the courage to talk and admit you’re struggling is so so difficult in the first place but to then have your struggles dismissed in this way is unforgivable.
Luckily I am here and feeling much better. I am fighting another day despite the horrendous ‘care’ I am receiving!
Being treated in this way does also leave me with another set of feelings and that is that, I should be better by now! The professionals don’t seem that bothered so maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am being slow and a bit pathetic?
I honestly don’t know at the moment.
All I know is that in my opinion I am not recovered but I am in recovery for my mental health issues. I still have bad days or even weeks sometimes and I do really wish more people understood this. However, I am fully aware that I cannot change some people and that is not what I should be focusing on. I should be focusing on me and my family, which I am definitely doing right now.
I do feel scared sometimes that I might never fully recover but that isn’t going to stop me trying my very hardest every single day – even if it might not look like sometimes.
Going up against the same demons every day is a battle. It takes such strength and I commend every single one of you out there that are doing it.
Lots of love Amy x