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Things have started turning again

Things have started turning again.

Turning, declining, slipping away.

What might seem like nothing to some people is the beginning of a nightmare for me.

The dishes are piling high.  The clothes are no longer clean. The floors are littered with toys and junk.

I’m repeating tasks over and over terrified I’m going to forget something important.
I can’t even look at myself in the mirror I’m just disgusted by what I see. My life is turning into chaos and all I can do is watch it collapse around me.

It’s like everything is in slow motion and yet I can’t keep up. I can’t concentrate and it feels like I’m screaming at my senses to pay attention to what’s going on around me. Begging it to focus.
I feel like I want to shake my head like crazy and then may be it’ll shake everything in there back in place.
I can’t keep on top of the simplest tasks. My mind is fuzzy and confused. I feel like I’m not really here.

Things have started turning again.

I feel like I’m floating in a bubble. I’m in a dream, torn and outside of reality. At first I grab and desperately cling on to life but I’m just so exhausted. I’m so drained.
I want normality back.
One moment I’m desperately fighting back tears and the next I want to scream!

I’m void from my feelings I feel like I have nothing in me. It’s all slowly slipping away and there’s nothing I can do about it ….

Things have started turning again.

This was something I wrote very recently, scribbled down in my notebook when I couldn’t say the words to anyone but I had to get it out!

It seems like no matter how far into recovery I get there are still times that my mental illnesses will creep up on me and and drag me back down again.

Sometimes it does feel like out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks and I’m not only left broken from the relapse but confused and angry as to why and where it came from!

Mental health professionals love to talk about ‘triggers’. “What triggered it this time?” “What were you doing that triggered it?” and I’ve said time and time again that most times I just don’t know. I think and think but sometimes I just don’t know. Sometimes I believe there just isn’t a trigger. Sometimes the chemicals in my brain change and that is that.

I do know that lack of sleep is a big trigger for me in general but with a 4 month old baby there’s not an awful lot I can do about that! I am getting better (thanks to my incredible husband) for not packing in loads of housework and unnecessary jobs during the day and just taking things slowly and enjoying time with my little boy. It definitely helps but there is only so long you can do that for before, not only the house begins to look horrendous but the guilt sets in. That causes me to feel down more than anything else so I just need to be careful. Blimmin’ exhausting!

I’m not out of this current relapse but I am definitely heading in the right direction. I’m doing the right things and implementing self care so  I am hoping that this will be over soon.

Please be kind to others, you never know what battles people might be facing.

Stay strong, stay safe,

Love Amy x

It is important to say that if you notice Things have started turning again for you then please contact your mental health professionals. or if you feel you can’t do that then MIND are a fantastic charity and have helped me in some dark times in the past.

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