This is a scary post to write and share with you. The guilt and shame of mummy rage.
As always it is honest and as always I am writing in the hope that this might help other women who might be going through the same thing.
I suffer with borderline personality disorder (BPD) so I am susceptible to sudden and sometimes extreme mood swings but I think the mummy rage that occurs would be present even without this diagnosis.
I believe that I am strong person and I can handle quite a lot but when that critical point is reached (sometimes completely without warning) I can snap!
Just recently I experienced this ‘snap’ again.
After several nights of only 2/3 hours sleep. A 10 week old baby that has screamed and cried almost every hour of the day and night and a 5 year old off of school demanding food, drink, change of clothes, different films to be put on and getting out every single toy that he owns. It might not surprise you that after the 1000th “mummy!” I snapped!
I screamed “SHUT UP!”
Yes I screamed it. I screamed so loudly that I actually hurt my throat!
The second after is when the guilt and shame kick in. How on earth could I scream at my children?! What kind of person am I?!
Of course my 5 year old forgets about it the second it has happened and my baby isn’t even aware anything has happened but for me it sticks. The shame clings to me and I feel like the most awful mother and human being on the planet!
But ultimately I have to remind myself that I am not an awful mother. I am a woman doing a tough (but amazing) job. and sometimes even the strongest people snap! It doesn’t happen all of the time and the very fact that I do feel guilt and shame makes me a good mother. It means I do care about them and of course I love them to bits!
I also have to remind myself during these tough times that they don’t mean to push me to my limits. They don;t mean to upset me or stress me out.
My baby is only screaming because it’s the only way he can communicate! My 5 year old doesn’t realise that taking out every single god damn toy that he owns just after I’ve spent the day cleaning up causes me stress. He doesn’t realise that shouting “Mummy” for the 100th time when I am desperately trying to get one thing ticked off my to do list is pushing me too far.
He doesn’t understand how incredibly frustrating it is to ask him to put his school uniform a million times whilst he is happily ignoring me whilst acting out Spiderman naked in front of the mirror!
My screaming baby doesn’t understand how desperate I am for a hot cup of tea and something to eat. He doesn’t understand that I can’t hold and cuddle him for hours and hours on end when there is housework to do and dinner to cook.
My son doesn’t understand that even though I know he is tired from school I can’t click my fingers and arrive home instantly with a drink and snack all ready for him.
My sons don’t know that I’ve only had 3 hours sleep and sleep deprivation is toture and I struggle to get out of bed some days.
The bottom line is my children do not know or understand that these things cannot be done instantly or why mummy struggles sometimes. I am only human. A human who loves her children more than anything in the world. Just because I shout sometimes does not mean that I love my children any less.
I wish I could say it will never happen again but the truth is I can’t.
I do know that I always feel awful for it and after the event I always apologise to my son and explain things to him.
I think that raising my boys, especially with mental health issues, is the hardest thing in the world but it is also the most amazing. Yes most days I am overwhelmed and exhausted but I would’t change it for the world.
Lots of love Amy xx