It’s funny looking back at how things used to be.
How things have changed.
I’m far from being at the end of my “journey” but I am already a different person to who I was a few years ago. I am actually a person for a start. Not just a shadow of one.
Almost 4 years ago I gave birth to my gorgeous little boy. I remember thinking, that’s it, I’m going to dedicate my entire life to him and do everything perfectly. I will put right all of the wrongs I have experienced in my life. I never dreamt for one minute that this event would ultimately be the catalyst for me having a complete breakdown and experiencing the worst mental health difficulties I could have ever imagined.
Now, I am not for one moment blaming this on my son. I would never ever insinuate that, it just so happened that this was the event that tipped me over. But I do feel as though I have been balanced on a cliff edge for many many years.
With fresher eyes I now look back at these past years and realise that I have been through an awful lot. Numerous (and serious) suicide attempts leaving me with permanent damage to my liver. Anorexia (that I still battle with) which had me passing out almost daily. I was also admitted to hospital. Amongst many other awful episodes of complete isolation and crippling anxiety.
Taking a moment to look back and acknowledge what I’ve been through and admit that I am ‘strong’ is extremely difficult.
I still have issues which I need to work through and I am at the beginning of an intensive group therapy. Which will be another difficult journey on its own but after a lot of thought and discussion I believe it’s going to be the best thing for me.
Within the last year, especially the last 6 months I have been told some amazingly positive things;
“You’re a strong woman”
“You’re an inspiration”
“I’m in awe of how far you have come”
“I’m proud of you”
“You’re a lovely positive person”
These are a few of the lovely, generous comments I’ve been given recently.
I have to admit that I am a bit embarrassed by them. Extremely grateful – but embarrassed. I don’t entirely believe them either (especially the ‘inspirational’ one) but I’m learning to except compliments – even if I don’t 100% agree.
I do definitely think that I have gotten better at believing in myself but it’s still going to take a lot of hard work. I know I’m going to still have bad days but I WILL get there.
That has been the key to my recovery recently – turning everything into a positive or at least finding something positive in every situation. Even in the worst situation there is always something positive to be found and always something to be grateful for.
Gratitude is another tool that has really helped my recovery hugely in the last few months. I write a gratitude list every morning and evening of 3 things I am grateful for that day, (gave me an excuse to buy a beautiful new notepad!) and it instantly makes me realise how blessed I am and how many things I have to live for and be thankful for.
Although this journey of mine has been the toughest thing I have experienced, I am grateful for it and it has definitely made me stronger.
I refuse to go to that dark place again! I will fight, fight and fight some more!
But I’m not just fighting for me, I am passionate about helping others too. I strongly believe that everyone who suffers with their mental health deserves the very best care and support.
Please feel free to contact me. I’m happy to help anyone I can. I am not professionally qualified but I am a good listener.
Remember to be kind, always.
We are all fighting battles that no one knows about.
Lots of love to you all.