It’s still hard to admit I’m struggling.
I have never found it easy (or possible at all) to ask for help. To say “I’m stuck.” or “I’m struggling”.
It doesn’t matter what it was regarding, work, housework, mental or physical health. I just believe I should be able to do these things. I should be able to get on with these things in my life the way that everyone else does. Not bothering people or being a burden.
I mean how selfish would I be to talk about my ‘struggles’ when there are so many other people out there who have it much worse than I do?!
This kind of thinking is depression at it’s worst. Making you believe you shouldn’t ask for help – you’re not worthy of it anyway!
As you begin to work through recovery you learn to challenge these thought patterns and for some people it can change quite quickly, but for me, however, it’s still something I struggle with and find extremely difficult!
I hate struggling or not being able to do the things I feel I should be able to do. I have, every now and again been in an ok enough place to ask for guidance with little things but I will feel awful for doing it and apologise more times than you would believe.
More often than not when it comes to me struggling, when my moods start to dip and the black clouds begin to descend, I just cannot do it. I can’t say “I’m struggling, please help me!”
I have tried. I really have on occasions but I find that the longer I am OK for the harder it is. Firstly it’s admitting that you are failing and taking a massive step back and letting everyone around you down (in my eyes at least). Secondly people just aren’t there for you. It’s like I am well, or have been for a while, so surely that’s it right? How can she be ill again? I am finding – very sadly – that unless I am in crisis people just aren’t there. Now I must add here that I do have one or two exceptions to this rule in my life who are amazing people, but generally speaking people around me assume a lot.
I was talking to a close friend about this recently and she has had the same experience. People assuming that you can’t be struggling again. you can’t be suffering again because you are doing things. You are getting on with life with a smile on your face. Planning things, going out, so that must mean you’re OK – right?
The texts and messages stop. The checking in with you stops. Them being there for you is pretty much non existent. Even when I pluck up the courage and hint at the fact I might be struggling or deteriorating there is a very quick comeback of “You’ll be ok. You’ve got through worse.” Or another similar comment. You are just not taken seriously. I mean maybe this is me being really selfish. It probably is. Expecting everyone to see how I am? I don’t know. All I know is that it’s a very lonely place to be.
Burying my feeling and emotions is dangerous I know that. But when the darkness creeps in and I physically can’t ask for help through fear of being rejected again, burying them is what I resort to. It’s all I know. I don’t want to disappoint, burden or bother others. That’s why It’s still hard to admit I’m struggling.
You all want me to be OK? Be superwoman? OK. Done. That’s exactly what I shall be!
On the outside at least.
Lots of love to you all