You are in a pit of tar. The pit is so enormous you cannot see any end to it. The tar is thick and heavy and is up to your waist.
You also have a huge thick bungee rope tied to your middle. It’s already stretched tight so any step froward is taking super human strength.
Your arms have weights strapped to them. Leaving them hanging by your sides.
You feel helpless.
You see a pair of scissors ahead floating on the tar.
If you could just get there at least you could cut the bungee cord.
You force yourself forward.
Through the pain.
You get angry.
You try to think positive.
You are exhausted.
Physically and mentally you are drained.
But you finally reach the scissors.
You manage to lift one of your heavily weighted arms.
But right before your eyes the scissors sink!
You are broken.
You can’t go on.
You want to give up.
This is too hard.
You want to throw your arms up in the air and let the bungee cord take you back.
That is the easiest thing to do.
But whats that ahead?
Another pair of scissors?
You can do it.
Yes! Yes I can.
One more try….
This was written during my relapse. One of my descriptions of depression and relapse.
So it happened!
Despite all my efforts, it still happened!
It wasn’t as bad as it could have been and I certainly didn’t reach the lows that I have in the past but it still happened.
Looking back now the signs were there, very subtle, but they were there.
Relapse is awful! In some ways it’s worse than the first time that I was very ill. You are going through life getting better everyday, the future is bright and you are actually happy. Then out of no where it hits you. Right where it hurts, it hits you.
It grabs you and drags you down to the deepest darkest depths of your mind. Where the worst most awful thoughts reside! It keeps you there, replaying the negative thoughts and forcing you to believe that this is where you belong.
The colour truly drains out of everything. Nothing seems worth it. Brushing your teeth even takes huge amounts of strength.
The question on everyone’s lips – Why?
“Why did you relapse?”
“Why are you feeling like this again?”
The truth? I have absolutely no idea! Really I don’t!
I had been very ill with the flu then a tummy bug and my little boy was poorly at the same time as well. So I was run down but not every time I’m poorly do I relapse?!
I have thought and thought and thought some more but sometimes you just don’t know!
I can’t keep worrying and analysing it, all I know is that I am out the other side of it now. I made it through and kept on fighting.
The important thing I have learnt from this is that I don’t have a proper ‘Crisis Prevention Plan’ in place.
Relapse is very likely to happen. I have to accept that. But how bad they are and how long they last can be determined by me.
I have now put a plan in place. I have written out all information that can and should help in the future. Information includes;
- Possible triggers
- Early warning signs
- People/things that help me when I experience these signs
- People to contact in an emergency
- What can be done if I am in crisis
- People I feel safe to contact in crisis
- Ways to relieve stress/anxiety/danger
- Physical things that help in crisis
- Medication that has/has not helped
- If I am unable to handle responsibilities, who to contact
There are about 3/4 points on each of these statements and I actually feel a lot better for having written this. I have given a copy to my husband and have a copy in my car as well as having my own personal copy.
Anyway, now with a lot of time out and some much needed self care I am feeling much, much better.
I have started my new group therapy. I have seen my Psychiatrist and have had my medication upped considerably. And I am OK with that. As I have said before I am not going to be ashamed of taking my medication. I need it and it makes me feel better so why would I be ashamed?
I do still feel a little more ‘sensitive’ at the moment so I am taking things slowly. Easing myself into my usual routines and responsibilities instead of my usual rushing around at 1000 miles per hour. Difficult for me but I know it helps.
That feeling of dread still lingers though. It’s so hard to explain. It bubbles up and up until I can’t force it away and distract myself anymore. It hangs there always in the pit of my stomach waiting for my weak moment. But hopefully now with my plan in place it shouldn’t be the beast it once was.
I wrote a lot during this relapse and the writing really really helps me. I am in the process of putting together some of my other poems etc and will post these soon.
Keep fighting! Stay strong!
Lots of love
Just because I’m not OK, doesn’t mean I’m suicidal.
Just because I’m not suicidal, doesn’t mean I don’t need your call.