This is a post that I didn’t expect to write, not for another few years at least but here I am.
I am pregnant for the 3rd time. I wasn’t exactly overjoyed straight away. But is that ok?
I have a 15 month old and a 6 year old and my husband and I had discussed the possibility of having another but not until my youngest was about 3 or 4, when our money situation was better and my mental health was in a better place too. But sometimes things don’t work out exactly and you want or plan.
This pregnancy was an absolute shock. Not planned and I was taking contraception. Having another child was a million miles from my mind. But it’s the feelings and emotions around this pregnancy that have shocked me the most.
It was almost impossible to accept or even talk about my feelings in the first 12 weeks. Even now I feel a bit ashamed. I’m scared of what people are going to say about me but I feel like I need to be honest. I genuinely was not excited at all. I wasn’t sad or angry I felt agitated but mostly I didn’t really care. There was hardly any emotion or feeling at all.
I had terrible morning sickness (more like all day sickness) for the first 12/13 weeks which left me feeling horrendous. It made me a rubbish mum to my boys, as I was either always attached to a toilet or feeling extremely ill and exhausted. Cue terrible mum guilt.
This led to resentment I am ashamed to say. I felt like this baby that I didn’t even want was ruining my time with my boys! It wasn’t fair!
How awful, selfish and ungrateful does that sound right!?
But I have to be honest these were my feelings. We even paid to have an early scan at 8 weeks and I still didn’t feel excited.
I’m not happy or proud that this is how I was feeling but I know from speaking to other mums that I am not the only one that has felt like this.
I was speaking to a close friend who has 4 children and told her how I was feeling and she said “You know what that’s normal. I felt this too. So many women do feel like this too, It’s just that no one talks about it!”
That stuck with me.
No one talks about it!
It’s the same as so many other things, mental health issues included, just because no one talks about it doesn’t mean it’s not present all around you. People need to talk about all of these things so much more. Talking about it normalises it. We need to start saying to each other that yes pregnancy is an amazing gift that we are so grateful for, but it can also be shocking, flippin’ hard and guilt inducing if it’s not planned.
It doesn’t make you an awful mother or a heartless human being to admit this. You’re not being ungrateful, you are being honest with yourself and trying to make sense of everything. It’s ok.
I found it very nerve raking writing this post – Pregnant for the 3rd time and the emotions I felt. – But I felt it was so important that I did.
I am now 16 weeks pregnant and after having my 12 week scan I can now honestly say that I am excited and over the moon to be pregnant again. The morning sickness has disappeared and I am feeling pretty ok mentally.
Of course I am still nervous about having 2 under 2 and the impact it’ll have on my family and my mental health but I am so lucky to have a very supportive husband and some incredible friends that are always there for me. I am so incredibly grateful for them.
I think it is so important that no matter how you’re feeling, you must talk about it. Whether it’s a partner, a friend or medical professional. I promise you will not be the only one that feels the way that you do. Also, remember what you’re feeling isn’t ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ it’s your feeling, your emotion so it’s real.
Despite the fact it has taken some time, we, as a family are now completely overjoyed with pregnancy number 3.
Take care and stay strong.
Love Amy x