Mental Health

    Whats it really like to live with anorexia

    Whats it really like to live with anorexia?

    I was only officially diagnosed with anorexia a few years ago, however I am very aware that I have lived with it since my early teens.

    Anorexia is the most difficult to talk about out of all of the illness that I suffer with. It’s the least understood and the one that carries the most stigma. Anorexia is not simply teenage girls starving themselves to an emaciated state and it is not – as many people think – an extreme weight loss diet! Anorexia is a serious mental illness. It is a mental illness that has a huge mortality rate – the biggest amongst any mental illness.

    whats it really like to live with anorexia

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    Mental Health

    Life with a mental illness is a balancing act

    I don’t know about you but I just can’t seem to get a balance. In life generally. It drives me crazy – literally! Life with a mental illness very often is a balancing act.

    I have these periods of a few weeks at a time where I really have my shit together. I’m loving life and getting things done. Really enjoying time with H, staying on top of the housework, getting work done and keeping in touch with friends and family. Generally life is pretty great!

    life with a mental illness is a balancing act

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    Mental Health

    Borderline Personality Disorder – What I wish I was told

    Borderline Personality Disorder is a tough diagnosis. I am not saying that other mental health diagnosis aren’t but BPD in particular seems to have a huge stigma around it.

    Some of this is down to the media falsely representing it but also just plain ignorance.

    The name seems to suggest that we have a disordered, bad or broken personality. This is what I first assumed, as did many people I know who were diagnosed.

    borderline personality disorder

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    Mental Health, Parenting and Lifestyle


    OK, when I say meditation I’m guessing one of the following images pops into mind; A Buddhist monk sat cross legged chanting for hours at a time or a bunch of hippies dancing around incense holding flowers and giving everyone the peace sign! Now that’s OK if this was your first thoughts on meditation, it was for me too.

    Now don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against Buddhists, I think they are amongst the most peaceful people on the planet and I don’t dislike hippies. I love the planet too! I’m a vegetarian/vegan and promote peace but I could not see myself meditating in these ways. It’s just not for me.


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    Mental Health

    I really don’t know how I am feeling

    I really don’t know how I am feeling.

    It’s a hard concept to understand. Not knowing how you really feel. Not knowing what emotion you are experiencing or have recently felt.

    I know it is really difficult to understand but it’s true; I really don’t know how I am feeling. There are often times when family members or friends will want to know how I am, but I will honestly not know. It is at times like this when I reach for the safety blanket of “I’m fine thanks.” It’s easier than trying desperately to explain that you have no idea how you are feeling. You’re in limbo. Not good not bad. Not happy not sad!

    I really don't know how I am feeling

    I have on occasion attempted to reveal this mixed up feeling to people who have asked and I am usually met with blank stares or nervous laughs. The exception being those close friends of mine who also suffer from mental health issues. They understand instantly.

    I guess that brings me onto now. Right now, when I really have no idea how I am feeling. I do keep telling everyone that I am ok, I’m tired but ok (“I’m just tired” being another safety blanket.) However, if I’m honest I’m not really sure that I am. I’m not ‘bad’ I know that much but I’m not convinced I’m ‘good’ either.

    I’m feeling worried, anxious, panicky and a little stressed. Overthinking is something which is taking over most of my days and nights. Left to my own devices I am daydreaming of the past, the future and stressing over every mistake or silly thing I have ever said or done! I’m finding it extremely difficult to concentrate or get the motivation to do anything.

    Does this mean that I am heading back down again? Down to the darkest depths that I cannot be rescued from? Does it mean this was all a cruel trick that I am not actually getting better and I never will?

    Or, does it simply mean I am going through a tough period of my illness which will come and go throughout my life? Something that will pass if I remain strong and fight my very hardest.

    I really don't know how I am feeling

    I expect the latter is the correct answer but it’s still extremely hard. This constant voice telling me that this is all a cruel trick and I am never really going to get properly better.

    As I said before it’s so so difficult to describe to people – even the most understanding of family members and friends – that you have absolutely no bloody idea how you feel!

    I suppose it may seem like I am lying. And I suppose in one way I am but unless you live this I don’t think you will ever really understand how awful it feels.

    For those of you who ask a friend or family member and receive the answer of “I’m ok” “I’m fine” “I’m just tired” or a similar answer, that deep down you know is not the full story maybe dig a little deeper. Ask them if they are sure they’re really ok.  Let them know that they can be honest with you and please know that you don’t have to fix them. Just listening and trying your hardest to understand will mean the world to that person struggling.

    For me, this is open post to let you know that if you are having confused feelings, Its ok. You are not alone. I have them too. I’m having them right now. But I am determined to keep talking and spreading awareness so that there will be a time when we no longer have to be scared of the reaction of others when we are open and honest about our mixed up, confusing feelings.

    Please stay strong and stay safe.

    Love Amy x



    Mental Health

    All change!

    This blog was written a little while ago but still very relevant.

    Everything seems to be changing again.

    I can feel my moods taking a turn.

    I’m trying to think positive and keep busy but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted by it all. I just want to be on my own. All the time! But I force myself – and for anyone who really knows these feelings it’s not easy – to turn my thoughts around and spend time with friends and family as I know they are the best medicine and I am blessed to have them.

    all change

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