Although I blog about my mental health almost every week I very rarely talk specifically about my life with borderline personality disorder – BPD anymore.
At the beginning I wrote about ‘borderline personality disorder and being a mum‘ and ‘BPD the positives’ but now I very often shy away from my diagnosis of BPD.
Well, it’s down to that good old stigma again!
When people ask or find out my diagnosis I am more often than not met with the look of “oh crap!” and general comparisons to “that celebrity that went ‘crazy’!”
Mental health issues, please don’t judge!
If I have learnt anything during my time struggling with mental health issues it’s – don’t judge!
This may be a slightly strange post to read, maybe strange because you’ve judged someone in a similar way to what I mention, which is fine, we have all done it! Or maybe strange because you may not believe me. You might whole heatedly believe the first thought that crosses your mind, and that’s fine too. I’m not here to point fingers and blame. I’m just hoping that by reading this, reading my experiences you might think again at what you are seeing in front of you.
I’ve honestly learnt a huge lesson. I was always (and sometimes still am) someone who will be sat in the waiting room for the Dr or dentist and create an entire life story for everyone sat around me. Their name, age, what they do for a living, why they are there, why they look a certain way – weird I know – it’s never done out of any malice. It’s just something I’ve always done.
Despite my best efforts and the efforts of my midwife (not my mental health team – another story) I am in the midst of postnatal depression (PND) for a second time.
Although this time is doesn’t seem as frightening or intense, I am well aware it is post natal depression.
I fooled myself early on that this time it was just the baby blues but after several months of feeling low and overwhelmed I knew it was PND.
Mental health system failing those with children.
I’ve written before about how the mental health system is failing people every single who are struggling with mental illnesses but it is especially failing those of us that have children.
I have always tried to find childcare for my son(s) in the past for my appointments, be it therapy sessions or psychiatrist appointments but it really isn’t easy. My family all work full time, my husbands family also work and the friends that we do have that might be able to help have babies or young children of their own.
My mental health team have never made it easy for me, it’s very much “Well that’s all there is” when it comes to appointments, take it or leave it!
When I mention to people how difficult it is to get appointments I am often met with responses of “That’s ridiculous can’t they do evenings or weekends?” Truth is no they don’t do weekends or evenings. It’s usually between 9am and 4pm. Plus on top of this they are so stretched that if they offer you an appointment and you don’t take it you’ll be lucky if you’re offered another one in the next month or few months even!
I was recently assigned a new CPN (6th one in 4 years!) she is just a useless in my opinion. I finally, after a 3 month wait, got an appointment with my psychiatrist for my urgent medication review as I had been crisis but my little boy was very poorly and there was nothing I could do but apologise, cancel and ask to rearrange asap! 2 weeks later she came for a visit and I asked if I was getting another appointment and her response to me was “Is there much point in booking another appointment if you’re just going to cancel!” Yep. That was really her response. Shocking huh!
Things have started turning again.
Turning, declining, slipping away.
What might seem like nothing to some people is the beginning of a nightmare for me.
The dishes are piling high. The clothes are no longer clean. The floors are littered with toys and junk.
I’m repeating tasks over and over terrified I’m going to forget something important.
I can’t even look at myself in the mirror I’m just disgusted by what I see. My life is turning into chaos and all I can do is watch it collapse around me.
It’s like everything is in slow motion and yet I can’t keep up. I can’t concentrate and it feels like I’m screaming at my senses to pay attention to what’s going on around me. Begging it to focus.
I feel like I want to shake my head like crazy and then may be it’ll shake everything in there back in place.
I can’t keep on top of the simplest tasks. My mind is fuzzy and confused. I feel like I’m not really here.
Well as the title says “I thought I was getting better” but clearly there is still a lot of work to do.
I’m not saying that I am back exactly where I was and I’ve made no improvement at all – because I have – but just not as much as I thought….
Moving house when you have mental health issues – and 6 things that I think would help.
This is a post that I never really envisioned writing. However, it’s one that now seems very important since the last few weeks of moving house.
Now, I’m a very organised person. I get things done. I do things quickly and efficiently. I do it my way and might be a pain in bum but I get it done well.
I am actually a bit weird I guess as I love packing and unpacking. Arranging and organising- yeah weird I know!
I’ve moved house 3 times before and not really found it stressful. Tiring and a bit annoying at times trying to get everything sorted how you want it but never really stressful.
That is until move number 4!
Coronation Street Suicide, how do I feel after watching it?
Firstly I want to applaud Coronation Street for doing this story line and showing this awful illness in such a true to life way. They had clearly done their research. Especially the part where Aiden is sat in the pub surrounded by friends, family, music and laughter but feels so alone. In a poisonous bubble that he can’t escape. So powerful and something that I can completely relate to.
This is a scary post to write and share with you. The guilt and shame of mummy rage.
As always it is honest and as always I am writing in the hope that this might help other women who might be going through the same thing.
I suffer with borderline personality disorder (BPD) so I am susceptible to sudden and sometimes extreme mood swings but I think the mummy rage that occurs would be present even without this diagnosis.
I believe that I am strong person and I can handle quite a lot but when that critical point is reached (sometimes completely without warning) I can snap!
Just recently I experienced this ‘snap’ again.
Breastfeeding and PND is about my feelings and experiences and is an all round tough post for me to write.
I read recently that difficulty or not being able to breastfeed is one of the main causes of post natal depression (PND) and I can completely understand this. I think it was absolutely a main factor in my PND the first time around and has definitely contributed this time around also.