Before I begin this post please note that it could be a trigger to you if you suffer with self harming. Please look after yourself and if you are not in a ‘good’ or strong enough place then save ‘When self harm returned’ for another day.

I have been so long now without having to resort to any kind of self harm. It was so long without doing it that the thought of doing it again was so far off in my mind, I seriously could not imagine bruising or cutting my skin again. That is until just a few days ago.

Now firstly let me just put out there how terrified I am to post this. I am so scared that people are going to judge me. That they are going to laugh and mock me. What if they are disgusted by me? Or what if they just plain avoid and ignore me? Honestly my heart is pounding! But as I’ve said again and again I do this for the readers of this blog. So many of whom – I know because you contact me – say that these open and honest blog posts are what help the most. Not sugar coated or just part of the story, open, honest and real. So for you guys here goes…

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Although I blog about my mental health almost every week I very rarely talk specifically about my life with borderline personality disorder – BPD anymore.

At the beginning I wrote about ‘borderline personality disorder and being a mum‘ and ‘BPD the positives’ but now I very often shy away from my diagnosis of BPD.

Why?

Well, it’s down to that good old stigma again!

When people ask or find out my diagnosis I am more often than not met with the look of “oh crap!” and general comparisons to “that celebrity that went ‘crazy’!”

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Mental health issues, please don’t judge!

If I have learnt anything during my time struggling with mental health issues it’s – don’t judge!

This may be a slightly strange post to read, maybe strange because you’ve judged someone in a similar way to what I mention, which is fine, we have all done it! Or maybe strange because you may not believe me. You might whole heatedly believe the first thought that crosses your mind, and that’s fine too. I’m not here to point fingers and blame. I’m just hoping that by reading this, reading my experiences you might think again at what you are seeing in front of you.

I’ve honestly learnt a huge lesson. I was always (and sometimes still am) someone who will be sat in the waiting room for the Dr or dentist and create an entire life story for everyone sat around me. Their name, age, what they do for a living, why they are there, why they look a certain way – weird I know – it’s never done out of any malice. It’s just something I’ve always done.

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Mental health system failing those with children.

I’ve written before about how the mental health system is failing people every single who are struggling with mental illnesses but it is especially failing those of us that have children.

I have always tried to find childcare for my son(s) in the past for my appointments, be it therapy sessions or psychiatrist appointments but it really isn’t easy. My family all work full time, my husbands family also work and the friends that we do have that might be able to help have babies or young children of their own.

My mental health team have never made it easy for me, it’s very much “Well that’s all there is” when it comes to appointments, take it or leave it!

When I mention to people how difficult it is to get appointments I am often met with responses of “That’s ridiculous can’t they do evenings or weekends?” Truth is no they don’t do weekends or evenings. It’s usually between 9am and 4pm. Plus on top of this they are so stretched that if they offer you an appointment and you don’t take it you’ll be lucky if you’re offered another one in the next month or few months even!

I was recently assigned a new CPN (6th one in 4 years!) she is just a useless in my opinion. I finally, after a 3 month wait, got an appointment with my psychiatrist for my urgent medication review as I had been crisis but my little boy was very poorly and there was nothing I could do but apologise, cancel and ask to rearrange asap! 2 weeks later she came for a visit and I asked if I was getting another appointment and her response to me was “Is there much point in booking another appointment if you’re just going to cancel!” Yep. That was really her response. Shocking huh!

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Things have started turning again.

Turning, declining, slipping away.

What might seem like nothing to some people is the beginning of a nightmare for me.

The dishes are piling high.  The clothes are no longer clean. The floors are littered with toys and junk.

I’m repeating tasks over and over terrified I’m going to forget something important.
I can’t even look at myself in the mirror I’m just disgusted by what I see. My life is turning into chaos and all I can do is watch it collapse around me.

It’s like everything is in slow motion and yet I can’t keep up. I can’t concentrate and it feels like I’m screaming at my senses to pay attention to what’s going on around me. Begging it to focus.
I feel like I want to shake my head like crazy and then may be it’ll shake everything in there back in place.
I can’t keep on top of the simplest tasks. My mind is fuzzy and confused. I feel like I’m not really here.

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Well as the title says “I thought I was getting better” but clearly there is still a lot of work to do.

I’m not saying that I am back exactly where I was and I’ve made no improvement at all – because I have – but just not as much as I thought….

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