I really don’t know how I am feeling.
It’s a hard concept to understand. Not knowing how you really feel. Not knowing what emotion you are experiencing or have recently felt.
I know it is really difficult to understand but it’s true; I really don’t know how I am feeling. There are often times when family members or friends will want to know how I am, but I will honestly not know. It is at times like this when I reach for the safety blanket of “I’m fine thanks.” It’s easier than trying desperately to explain that you have no idea how you are feeling. You’re in limbo. Not good not bad. Not happy not sad!
I have on occasion attempted to reveal this mixed up feeling to people who have asked and I am usually met with blank stares or nervous laughs. The exception being those close friends of mine who also suffer from mental health issues. They understand instantly.
I guess that brings me onto now. Right now, when I really have no idea how I am feeling. I do keep telling everyone that I am ok, I’m tired but ok (“I’m just tired” being another safety blanket.) However, if I’m honest I’m not really sure that I am. I’m not ‘bad’ I know that much but I’m not convinced I’m ‘good’ either.
I’m feeling worried, anxious, panicky and a little stressed. Overthinking is something which is taking over most of my days and nights. Left to my own devices I am daydreaming of the past, the future and stressing over every mistake or silly thing I have ever said or done! I’m finding it extremely difficult to concentrate or get the motivation to do anything.
Does this mean that I am heading back down again? Down to the darkest depths that I cannot be rescued from? Does it mean this was all a cruel trick that I am not actually getting better and I never will?
Or, does it simply mean I am going through a tough period of my illness which will come and go throughout my life? Something that will pass if I remain strong and fight my very hardest.
I expect the latter is the correct answer but it’s still extremely hard. This constant voice telling me that this is all a cruel trick and I am never really going to get properly better.
As I said before it’s so so difficult to describe to people – even the most understanding of family members and friends – that you have absolutely no bloody idea how you feel!
I suppose it may seem like I am lying. And I suppose in one way I am but unless you live this I don’t think you will ever really understand how awful it feels.
For those of you who ask a friend or family member and receive the answer of “I’m ok” “I’m fine” “I’m just tired” or a similar answer, that deep down you know is not the full story maybe dig a little deeper. Ask them if they are sure they’re really ok. Let them know that they can be honest with you and please know that you don’t have to fix them. Just listening and trying your hardest to understand will mean the world to that person struggling.
For me, this is open post to let you know that if you are having confused feelings, Its ok. You are not alone. I have them too. I’m having them right now. But I am determined to keep talking and spreading awareness so that there will be a time when we no longer have to be scared of the reaction of others when we are open and honest about our mixed up, confusing feelings.
Please stay strong and stay safe.
Love Amy x
