Things have started turning again.
Turning, declining, slipping away.
What might seem like nothing to some people is the beginning of a nightmare for me.
The dishes are piling high. The clothes are no longer clean. The floors are littered with toys and junk.
I’m repeating tasks over and over terrified I’m going to forget something important.
I can’t even look at myself in the mirror I’m just disgusted by what I see. My life is turning into chaos and all I can do is watch it collapse around me.
It’s like everything is in slow motion and yet I can’t keep up. I can’t concentrate and it feels like I’m screaming at my senses to pay attention to what’s going on around me. Begging it to focus.
I feel like I want to shake my head like crazy and then may be it’ll shake everything in there back in place.
I can’t keep on top of the simplest tasks. My mind is fuzzy and confused. I feel like I’m not really here.
Well as the title says “I thought I was getting better” but clearly there is still a lot of work to do.
I’m not saying that I am back exactly where I was and I’ve made no improvement at all – because I have – but just not as much as I thought….
Moving house when you have mental health issues – and 6 things that I think would help.
This is a post that I never really envisioned writing. However, it’s one that now seems very important since the last few weeks of moving house.
Now, I’m a very organised person. I get things done. I do things quickly and efficiently. I do it my way and might be a pain in bum but I get it done well.
I am actually a bit weird I guess as I love packing and unpacking. Arranging and organising- yeah weird I know!
I’ve moved house 3 times before and not really found it stressful. Tiring and a bit annoying at times trying to get everything sorted how you want it but never really stressful.
That is until move number 4!
Coronation Street Suicide, how do I feel after watching it?
Firstly I want to applaud Coronation Street for doing this story line and showing this awful illness in such a true to life way. They had clearly done their research. Especially the part where Aiden is sat in the pub surrounded by friends, family, music and laughter but feels so alone. In a poisonous bubble that he can’t escape. So powerful and something that I can completely relate to.
This is a scary post to write and share with you. The guilt and shame of mummy rage.
As always it is honest and as always I am writing in the hope that this might help other women who might be going through the same thing.
I suffer with borderline personality disorder (BPD) so I am susceptible to sudden and sometimes extreme mood swings but I think the mummy rage that occurs would be present even without this diagnosis.
I believe that I am strong person and I can handle quite a lot but when that critical point is reached (sometimes completely without warning) I can snap!
Just recently I experienced this ‘snap’ again.
Breastfeeding and PND is about my feelings and experiences and is an all round tough post for me to write.
I read recently that difficulty or not being able to breastfeed is one of the main causes of post natal depression (PND) and I can completely understand this. I think it was absolutely a main factor in my PND the first time around and has definitely contributed this time around also.
I’ve not written a proper post on my pregnancy for a little while now. I’ve been pretty busy with Christmas, H and his schooling and generally being pregnant. But as the title suggests – “Prenatal depression and mood swings” There has been a lot going on internally.
When you have a mental health problem, whether it be a personality disorder, depression or an eating disorder it’s all about you. Everything is all about you. And that is totally fine. As it should be. You concentrating on your recovery. However, something that – terribly – only occurred to me in the last year was how my husband might really be feeling.
Surviving Christmas with mental health problems
Christmas is almost here! The shops are full to bursting of people buying gifts, food and drink. Everyone seems to be sharing their beautiful Christmas trees all over social media, the Christmas songs are now all that can be heard on the radio or in the shops. So this must mean we all become completely happy and full of joy!
In an ideal world yes but this is not always the case.
A letter to my younger self
This is a letter to you from a place of experience.
I am writing to tell you all the things I wish you knew and how all the things I wish you didn’t have to go through will make you a better and stronger person. You don’t deserve to live through such pain. No child or teenager does but I promise things do get better.
Firstly please understand that these terribly lonely times that you are living through will pass. I promise you they will. You are not destined to be lonely forever. You will feel love, acceptance, support and kindness. You will be treated as an equal and as the important person that you are. It will take some time I’m afraid to say but it WILL come. Please have faith and stay strong.
You are different. Yes I know you feel like an outcast, a freak and even a weirdo at times but I can tell you that those differences are what make you so amazing! It’s a gift to do things others can’t. You have great talents, some of which haven’t shone through yet – but trust me they will.
All of your creativity and kindness for people and animals is a beautiful gift that you will share with the world soon. You will be admired for your strength so please keep doing what you are doing.