I am a Yogi and proud!
I am literally Yoga obsessed and I practice everyday. I read books and blogs about Yoga. I get super excited when I learn a new pose, I just love it!
I started practising yoga properly in around May time last year and it really has become a must in my daily routine. It makes me feel great both mentally and physically.
“You wear a mask for so long you forget who you are underneath.”
“The saddest people smile the brightest!” Robin Williams
The Mask or ‘My Mask’ is something I have written and drawn about over the past few years. Before this I don’t even know if I even realised I was wearing one.
Since I have been poorly and more vocal about my mental health issues, I have had so many people message me saying,
“I never knew you were ill”
“How did I never know?”
“I’ve known you for years and I would never have guessed!”
“You always seem so happy, confident, chatty etc …”
Well this is precisely why I am talking about the mental health mask today. Just because someone is smiling doesn’t always mean they are happy. That smile may hide something.
Firstly I’d like to wish you all a happy new year! I hope your 2017 brings you all the love, happiness and prosperity life has to offer.
I’m starting 2017 with a blog about how my mental health has been the best it has been over Christmas for many many years.
I suffer with depression and Boarderline Personality Disorder, amongst other things, but I also suffer with S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder). As many of you know S.A.D begins as the weather gets colder and the days get darker and usually lasts the whole of winter.
The darker mornings and evenings and even the dark days seem to physically drain me and stuck the happiness and positivity out of me. Leaving me feeling downright miserable! I also seem to catch every bug going and take forever to recover from them.
I would sleep badly and find it near impossible to get out of bed in the morning and going to sleep at night would involve me fighting to get to 8pm before I collapse exhausted into my bed!
Coping skills for living with a mental illness varies so much from person to person. So I’m just going to focus on my positive coping skills and what helps me when I’m struggling.
Art is something that I have always been passionate about. Whether it’s drawing, painting, writing stories or poetry. I love anything that involves creativity. When I was first put into hospital a few years ago I was in an extremely bad place. I couldn’t talk to people without my entire body shaking or feeling like my heart was about to explode out of my chest. Eye contact was even difficult in the beginning. So I kept myself to myself generally in the corner of the same room. I began to watch the other patients drawing and sketching and it instantly made me want to do it too. I got myself a set of pencils and a sketch pad and began to draw and write poetry. I kept my art very private as I was convinced it was all shit.
But it allowed me to escape.
It allowed me to leave and get away without having to physically disappear. I craved it! It seemed to give me some joy and purpose (no matter how small in the beginning).
I love to look after people. I just do.
I will go out of my way to make sure other people are OK. I am a ‘people pleaser’ I suppose but I don’t really like those words as I feel it brings about more of a negative feeling – but that’s just me.
It follows me everywhere. Present at almost every moment in my life.
I’m not just talking about the ordinary crappy mummy guilt that many of us feel. I’m talking take over your every waking thought causing anxiety and depression, kind of guilt!
When I first started to write this blog I made myself a promise that I was going to be honest. Years and years of lying and this is my time to be honest.
So, I do still have bad days! But it is OK!
Not very often but they do still creep up on me.
For the past few months or so I’ve been feeling good – maybe even really good a lot of the time. Holding things together personally and at home. Doing well in therapy. Focusing on the future. I’m off of my anti psychotic medication, generally doing well in all areas.
However, a few weeks or so ago something changed. I felt it the minute I woke up. I felt – different.
I have always loved Christmas. I didn’t matter whether I was a child, teenager or adult. I loved it.
Having my little boy has only increased my love for it. It’s magical. It’s exciting. It’s happy.
Well, that’s the idea anyway.
I guess I have always wanted it to be like this. That perfect Christmas where all of your family and friends gather, exchanging gifts, smiles and laughter. Honest, true happiness. But life isn’t like a film.
I have been thinking about writing my experiences with PND for a while but have been too nervous.
I have come to terms with most of my mental health issues but PND is still a struggle.
My pregnancy overall was pretty good. I had morning sickness for the first 13/14 weeks and a small scare at 30 weeks but overall I loved my pregnancy.
I have always struggled with my eating and the way I look but all of these fears seemed to disappear during pregnancy. I embraced my growing body and bump. My midwife even told me that I shouldn’t worry as I was the kind of person who’s body would just ping back in the few weeks after birth. So I relaxed. I ate far too much. As a result I put on 4 stone!