Although I blog about my mental health almost every week I very rarely talk specifically about my life with borderline personality disorder – BPD anymore.
Well, it’s down to that good old stigma again!
When people ask or find out my diagnosis I am more often than not met with the look of “oh crap!” and general comparisons to “that celebrity that went ‘crazy’!”
Sometimes it really upsets me. Sometimes it makes me angry and sometimes I just couldn’t care less! For me BPD can be extremely difficult to live with. It’s the part of me I’d probably choose to get rid of the most. It’s never settled or satisfied. Never just happy. Always ready to overthink and overreact at any point.
I’ve often said that living with bpd is like living on a roller coaster and that’s exactly how it feel most days. One moment you are fine, taking each day as it comes then the next you plummet to the ground so fast you can’t do anything about it. You are then, without warning, whisked off into the dizzy heights of joy and happiness! It’s really exhausting.
Borderline personality disorder – BPD can also be incredibly sad and lonely at times. It’s never having an identity. Never really knowing who you are. This is something I have struggled with my entire life. What do I like? Dislike? Who am I? I’m still working on that now.
I remember at school being desperately afraid of being alone that I would copy exactly what other people around me would do or say or wear or listen to. I would find out their favourite programmes and music and go home and spend hours swatting up on them so that I could go to school the next day armed with all the right info! I MUST FIT IN!
My life with borderline personality disorder – BPD means I am also a very all or nothing, black and white kind of person – thank you bpd! This may not seem like too much of a problem. I agree, if it was every now and again then probably not but for me it’s every day and it’s relentless. It’s about everything too. For example;
I can’t just whizz around the living room with the hoover. I have to do the entire house top to bottom or I don’t do anything at all!
I won’t pop to the shop for one or two things, If I’m not doing a proper big shop then we go without!
If we are going out for the day then that is exactly what we are doing. If we leave later than ‘first thing’ then I immediately think “What’s the point!”
It’s stupid and reading it like this it makes me sound ridiculous but that’s whats so hard. I don’t want to be like this. I hate living like this. It makes life embarrassing and difficult. But unfortunately that is how BPD manifests itself in me. It’s not rational at all! Don’t get me wrong I’m not a quitter and I do put up a fight most of the time but sometimes it’s so exhausting that it’s easier to just let it win!
BPD is also responsible for my low self esteem and sometimes self hatred. I don’t believe I deserve anything nice. Nice comments, nice people around me, nice things. If it happens then it must be a mistake or a cruel joke. I often feel like a burden to my friends and family. A pain. The annoying one that they put up with but don’t really want around.
I know it may seem sometimes that I am happy with myself and my life so I must only be saying these things for attention, but no. Sadly I can honestly say I have spent most of my life hating myself vs loving (or even liking myself).
The self hatred is a lot of the time why people with borderline personality disorder self harm, partake in risky behaviours and attempt/carry out suicide. We can’t cope with these incredibly intense emotions that quite often all come at once. We don’t want to bother you and ask for help because we don’t don’t think you really want us around and quite honestly we don’t think we deserve it!
There are therapies proven to help with BPD but they are so few places offering it in this country it’s both shocking and embarrassing. I was actually told by my psychiatrist to look for private care as my area will not be getting the DBT (Dialectal behavioural therapy) that I need! Needless to say I cannot afford this so I am relying on self help books and workbooks.
My life with borderline personality disorder – BPD really is exhausting. It truly is. I would say to anyone reading this today, if you know anyone that has this diagnosis, please be gentle with us because we are very rarely gentle with ourselves.
Stay safe, stay strong,
Love Amy xxx