Some of you may have heard of Ana but she is normally a very private person. She has certainly been more of a ‘secret’ friend of mine for many years. But I’ve decided to let you know a bit about her.
She came into my life in my early teens. I was lonely and she found me. She was pretty and thin and funny – everything I wanted to be. She was always with me from that moment. Teaching me so much. Helping me decide what to do, what to eat how to cope with difficult times. She was my life line. I couldn’t talk to anyone else around me. I had no one really but her.
There were really tough times. Times when I felt like I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. But she pursued me otherwise. She dug in her claws and didn’t let me go. But I trusted her. I mean everyone else had left me but she always stuck by my side. Helping make the best of me.
Our friendship fizzled out for a few years until it returned in my late teens/early twenties. It was really easy to welcome her back. She wasn’t mad or angry that we hadn’t been in touch for so long. She understood. Wow she really was the best! What was I thinking leaving her?
Needless to say I kept her very close by every single day. She helped me to become the best me. She showed me how to fake a smile and a laugh. She taught me how to appear confident and funny. She helped me gain more friends. She helped me get skinnier and prettier. Truly an amazing friend.
There were people that tried to break us up but that was just jealousy! She kept reminding me how far I had come and I trusted her. Why not? She’s always put me first.
Again we had a break. I met my now, husband and he turned my life around. In the best possible way. And I guess I just didn’t need Ana anymore. We just drifted apart. To be honest I didn’t give her a second thought for many more years.
Until I hit 27! She came back. And she came back with a bang. There was no nice reunion this time. She was disgusted at how I had turned out! As was I! I was fat! I was Ugly! I was a terrible person, inside and out! I needed her. I really needed her. I promised to never leave her again.
She taught me how to starve myself without people around me noticing. She taught me to exercise in secret. She taught me how to lie to loved ones. She forced me on the scales every morning and in front of the mirror every day. If i’d lost a pound she was so proud of me. However, if i had stayed the same or put on – she would hurl abusive remarks at me all day long and force me to self harm!
I would do anything to make her proud. She introduced me to diet pills and laxatives which certainly helped the weight stay off – Ana really did have all of the answers. What a great friend. She tried introducing me to her friend Mia but I found this friendship too much. Being sick is what she wanted me to do but I struggled to keep this from people. Ana was the only friend I really needed.
There did come a time after about a year when a lot of people were not happy with our friendship. I had my husband, friends, family, Drs all trying to split us up. Why did they want me to be unhappy? I tried explaining but they wouldn’t have any of it. I then lied. Lied and lied. I pretended to eat, hid the diet pills and laxatives and tried very hard to keep our friendship. But things went from bad to worse…
As most of you know I attempted suicide 3 times and ended up being hospitalised. I had mental health issues to work on and it took all of my energy but I tried my very hardest to keep Ana happy. But whilst in recovery I learnt that maybe she wasn’t the good friend I thought she was. I began to see her for what she was. She was trying to break me. She never wanted the best for me. I had to get her out of my life.
I still see Ana every now and then but I no longer indulge her. I keep her at arms length. I talk about her and warn others that she is out there. She will try and get you at your most vulnerable and attempt to take over your life.
Don’t let her!
Ana is a liar!
If she ever does try and befriend you, don’t keep her a secret as I once did. Tell people. Anyone close to you. She will soon learn she’s not wanted.
Lots of love to you all