No, it’s OK. I am.
I know I am. I wish I wasn’t but BPD is in charge at the moment, so I am.
I describe my moods majority of the time, when asked by friends or family, as “just up and down at the moment”. But really this is a HUGE understatement!
Me and few friends, also with BPD, often joke that our moods don’t only go up and down but they jump, bounce, pirouette and loop the loop!
One minute you are handling things. Thinking, wow, OK, so I’m finally starting to feel better. I’m keeping up with the housework, talking with friends eating better but then in the blink of an eye it all changes. The colours seem to drain out of everything. You’re convinced your friends hate you and are talking about you behind your back. You think your husband is going to leave you – why wouldn’t he you’re a crap wife! You’re a terrible mum and an awful human being.
See how I can turn into a right moody cow?! I mean wouldn’t you be a bit moody trying to deal with all of this, at once?
Yes it’s that severe and yes it’s that quick. Why? Well that’s the million pound question. It can be anything and everything! Literally. A thought, a text – or lack of, being surrounded by people or being alone. A song on the radio. An advert on T.v. Anything!!! That’s one of the many reasons BPD is so difficult to live with. You never know how or when your life is going to be plunged into darkness again.
Not only do moods range from happy to sad but there’s also anger. Anger issues are again very common amongst people with BPD but it’s the emotion I’m most ashamed of and only just recently accepted help for.
People talk about the ‘red mist’ that dis-ends when they are wound up and angry. But I can assure you with BPD it moves faster than mist! It’s almost instant. Really! The click of your fingers and I can go from holding a normal conversation to screaming or to throwing something across the room!
Again you ask “Why?” And again I reply. I don’t know. It can be anything and everything!
These outbursts do often lead to depressive episodes and even self harm and suicidal behaviours (I have not done either for some time) due the guilt and ashamed feelings.
This is where the stigma of mental health tends to rear it’s ugly head.
“You’re so over dramatic”
“Just calm down!”
“Stop being so manipulative!”
“Whats wrong with you? Are you on something?”
These are just some of the awful comments I’ve received, let alone what others have to deal with.
After this lot being called a Moody cow isn’t so bad, huh?
Mindfulness and MBT (Mentalisation Based Therapy) have helped considerably with my emotions and moods teaching me to recognise these feelings and sit with them if I can. They teach that all moods/emotions are important and to notice them is the first step to getting them more under control.
One bit of advice I would give you would be to please think twice before you make a flippant comment, you never know what battle someone might be facing. Unbalanced moods, feelings and emotions are a key part of BPD which is why it has also been named ‘Emotionally Unstable Disorder’. Please try to be kind. Always.
Lots of love.
Amy aka The Moody Cow! xxx