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Mental Health

Moody Cow!

I’m such a moody cow!

No, it’s OK. I am.

I know I am. I wish I wasn’t but BPD is in charge at the moment, so I am.

I describe my moods majority of the time, when asked by friends or family, as “just up and down at the moment”. But really this is a HUGE understatement!
Me and few friends, also with BPD, often joke that our moods don’t only go up and down but they jump, bounce, pirouette and loop the loop!

One minute you are handling things. Thinking, wow, OK, so I’m finally starting to feel better. I’m keeping up with the housework, talking with friends eating better but then in the blink of an eye it all changes. The colours seem to drain out of everything.  You’re convinced your friends hate you and are talking about you behind your back. You think your husband is going to leave you – why wouldn’t he you’re a crap wife! You’re a terrible mum and an awful human being.

Moody cow

See how I can turn into a right moody cow?! I mean wouldn’t you be a bit moody trying to deal with all of this, at once?

Yes it’s that severe and yes it’s that quick. Why? Well that’s the million pound question. It can be anything and everything! Literally. A thought, a text – or lack of, being surrounded by people or being alone. A song on the radio. An advert on T.v. Anything!!! That’s one of the many reasons BPD is so difficult to live with. You never know how or when your life is going to be plunged into darkness again.

Not only do moods range from happy to sad but there’s also anger. Anger issues are again very common amongst people with BPD but it’s the emotion I’m most ashamed of and only just recently accepted help for.

People talk about the ‘red mist’ that dis-ends when they are wound up and angry.  But I can assure you with BPD it moves faster than mist! It’s almost instant. Really! The click of your fingers and I can go from holding a normal conversation to screaming or to throwing something across the room!

Again you ask “Why?” And again I reply. I don’t know. It can be anything and everything!

These outbursts do often lead to depressive episodes and even self harm and suicidal behaviours  (I have not done either for some time) due the guilt and ashamed feelings.

This is where the stigma of mental health tends to rear it’s ugly head.

“You’re crazy!”

“You’re so over dramatic”

“Just calm down!”

“Stop being so manipulative!”

“Whats wrong with you? Are you on something?”

These are just some of the awful comments I’ve received, let alone what others have to deal with.

After this lot being called a Moody cow isn’t so bad, huh?

Mindfulness and MBT (Mentalisation Based Therapy) have helped considerably with my emotions and moods teaching me to recognise these feelings and sit with them if I can. They teach that all moods/emotions are important and to notice them is the first step to getting them more under control.

One bit of advice I would give you would be to please think twice before you make a flippant comment, you never know what battle someone might be facing. Unbalanced moods, feelings and emotions are a key part of BPD which is why it has also been named ‘Emotionally Unstable Disorder’. Please try to be kind. Always.

Lots of love.

Amy aka The Moody Cow! xxx

 

 

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11 Comments

  • Reply wendy

    hi we all have moody days even the strongest people ,it’s part of being human X be strong and smile love reading your blogs very strong lady you are lots of love Wendy x

    January 10, 2017 at 9:43 am
    • Reply amysboarderlineworld

      Ah thank you Wendy. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. xx

      January 12, 2017 at 9:12 am
  • Reply Justine

    I don’t have bpd but do suffer with depression and can have low moods as you described. Ok then not ok in the space of minutes. Your article is a making me think about mindfulness and whether it might help. Thank you.

    January 13, 2017 at 11:40 am
    • Reply amysboarderlineworld

      Hi Justine thanks for commenting. I definitely find mindfulness very very helpful. Don’t worry about attending expensive courses either. There are many good books out there and even some great you tube videos too. Good luck x

      January 13, 2017 at 1:46 pm
  • Reply Matt

    Wish more people would speak out, really helps knowing you aren’t struggling alone. Thank you for writing this.

    January 13, 2017 at 1:05 pm
    • Reply amysboarderlineworld

      Thanks Matt. You are definitely not alone. Take care. X

      January 13, 2017 at 1:46 pm
  • Reply Tracy Drake

    Hi, I just wanted to say thank you! I am sat in a phsyciatric hospital and have been since 3rd October 2016. I also had a previous admission over June/July and during both of these admissions I have had in total 24 ECT treatments and I am having my medication changed. I have just read your blog and it’s like I am reading about myself, it’s almost quite refreshing to read about somebody else’s experience and realise that I am not alone in this……thank you xx

    January 13, 2017 at 1:25 pm
    • Reply amysboarderlineworld

      Hi Tracy. I too have spent time in hospital. It’s hard but believe it or not there really is light at the end tunnel. I’m so glad you are finding this blog helpful. Please keep fighting and you have my email if you ever need someone to listen. Take care of yourself x

      January 13, 2017 at 1:50 pm
  • Reply Tracy Drake

    Thank you xx

    January 13, 2017 at 3:10 pm
  • Reply Barbara Scott

    Did I write this? This describes me so accurately at the moment. Thank you for sharing so openly. Barbara Scott.

    January 13, 2017 at 8:11 pm
  • Reply Barbara Scott

    Did I write this? This describes me so accurately at the moment. Thank you for sharing so openly. Barbara Scott. Comments detect a duplicate answer. Yes, this is similar to another comment, but this is mine, and exactly how I feel. B. Scott.

    January 13, 2017 at 8:13 pm
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