It’s funny but out of every post I have written this is one of the ones I am most nervous of posting.
I have written some painfully honest posts that a lot of people have told me are very difficult to read and have in a lot of cases have made them cry. But I continue to write. Why? Well it’s simple, because I know it is helping. It’s helping me yes but I know from the amazing messages I receive that it is helping other people out there who are struggling as well.
So that brings me to today’s post. Mental health and pregnancy.
I am pregnant.
For those of you that follow me on social media you will know how excited we are about it. Especially H who is over the moon about being a big brother!
For those of you that might be wondering – No, It wasn’t a mistake or an accident. We wanted another baby and have done for some time. We have held off due to be being so poorly but I have reached a point of having a handle on my illnesses and felt it was the right time.
Yes I do still struggle with my moods being all over the place sometimes due to my BPD. Yes I do still have the cloud of depression that follows me around, no matter how far away I believe it always will to some extent. And yes I still struggle with my body image and eating. But I have been a healthy weight and BMI for 6 months. However, I am aware that eating disorders don’t just disappear. I’m not that naive.
So why am I having a baby when I am still not 100% better? Firstly, my husband and I desperately one. WE believe we as a family are ready and my mental health is in the best place it has been for many many years. In fact I think I am in a better place mentally now than I was when I had my son. I know the early warning signs of post natal depression and when my mood takes a turn for the worst. Not only am I aware of these things but my family and close friends are too. I am prepared for what might rear it’s ugly head and we have the tools in place to deal with it should it occur.
I am absolutely ecstatic about this pregnancy. I have literally been walking around with cheesiest grin on my face since I found out at 5 weeks. However, despite the joy and excitement there is still worry and fear. Not worry and fear of the pregnancy. Not worry and fear of giving birth. Not worry and fear of my mental health issues but worry and fear of what other people are going to think and say about me. Are they going to judge me?
I felt this fear when I began to tell people I was pregnant, I was searching their face and eyes for any subtle signs that their joyful happy words were really masking their true feelings of disappointment or even disgust!
If I am honest I do think I saw it on occasion. Whether it was me overthinking the situation or I was actually spot on the bottom line is – why do I care? Why do I care what anyone thinks? My husband and I are happy. My little boy is happy and that is all that matters!
And you know what it’s true!
I am defiantly someone who doesn’t want to disappoint so feeling like I might have let someone down is an extremely difficult feeling to live with. But, I have grown a lot this past few years and I am beginning to push those harmful thought patterns to one side.
Another thing I was worried about is taking my medication in pregnancy. I was told by my GP and Psycharist that the medication I was taking was on the list of meds not to take in pregnancy. So I was 100% determined to come off of all medication when I became pregnant. there was no way I would put my unborn child in any kind of harm, no matter how small. But actually it’s not that simple. I had to weigh up the risks. If I was to come off of all medication, especially all at once I would certainly hit rock bottom. This would almost defiantly lead to self harm and possibly suicide. So actually the safest thing to do for baby and me would be to change to a low risk medication. So I began to ween myself off – with the help of my GP – and then start another medication.
Many women take medication in pregnancy including Mrs H’s favourite things who’s blog/vlog helped me so much with coming to terms with taking medication in pregnancy. Dr’s are monitoring me and baby and we are both doing very well.
The truth of the matter is that I am pregnant. I am so happy and grateful that I am. I am not going to apologise to anyone that I am.
I believe that if you put the right things in place to ensure you are your baby are safe and well then why shouldn’t you get pregnant?
Never let the opinions of others who haven’t been through what you have/are dictate your life. Do what you feel is right. Live your life the way you want.
I will of course keep you posted on my journey and I am always here to lend an ear.
Lots of love