This is a letter to you my son. A letter about my mental health and our relationship.
I have written down many things for you over the years, poems, notes, updates on your life but never a letter. I am writing to you today with a feeling of love and gratitude. Love is a term that gets thrown around a lot but my understanding of love is true and pure and simply amazing. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. I can still see, smell and feel that moment you were put on my chest for the very first time.That gorgeous first moment. Pure perfection.
My love for you has only grown with every moment that has passed, every milestone you’ve hit, every expression, word and cheeky comment. Watching you grow into the most beautiful, caring, kind and loving little boy that makes me burst with pride!
Not only have I been teaching you lessons everyday but I can honestly say you have been teaching me a few.
Mummy has been poorly and you know that. I have never hidden that from you because I am not ashamed. But for you to have such understanding at such a young age is truly inspirational. You are my inspiration. You really are. I want you to know that what I am going through and what I have been through has not and is not because of you! It is never because of you. I have an illness that makes me feel sad, tired and cross at times but that is not your fault. Quite the opposite in fact. It is because of you that I am still fighting every single day. Thank you so much darling boy.
When I was first very poorly you had to be looked after by family members and friends that you were not used to but you took it in your stride. You were brave and strong and made mummy so proud. When I was exhausted and could do nothing but snuggle on the sofa and watch films for hours at a time you cuddled up to me. You didn’t moan and complain and you weren’t naughty. You understood. Without any words being said you knew and just cuddled up to me and enjoyed the closeness we shared. Thank you darling.
You have always been used to healthy, cooked from scratch meals and snacks but in the darkness of my illness I couldn’t bare to cook properly. Despite this you never moaned about having pasta and chips for days on end. You never complained that it was boring or that wanted something else you enjoyed it and always told mummy that it was ‘yummy’. Thank you.
At times I believed you deserved a better mother than me. Now, however, I can now honestly say that no one on this planet loves you as much as I do and I thank you for being the amazing little boy you are.
Thank you my darling boy for making me strong enough to fight everyday. Thank you for putting up with my ever changing moods. I know my illness has made most of your short life pretty inconsistent. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to never know which mummy you were going to get each day. The fun one? The moody one? The sad one? It is not fair and I know you don’t deserve it. I know this only too well and that is why I am trying so hard everyday to get better. I’m trying everyday for you. Always you.
I am so so proud of what an amazing little boy you have turned into. How you continue to grow and learn and never let anything get in your way of happiness. I am following your lead here at times, so thank you. You are a kind, polite, loving little boy that has such resilience at such a young age.
You are truly an inspiration.
I love you always and forever.