For anyone that is close to me you will know how many times I stupidly say “I’m sorry” every week, day or even hour!
I was sat with a friend the other day who was helping me on my laptop and I lost count of how many times I said I’m sorry! It was getting annoying.
Friend; “Amy please stop saying sorry!”
I didn’t even need to say sorry! All I did was mis-click a button or look too long to write something down! It’s ridiculous!
I do just always think I am at fault. If someone bumps into me – “I’m sorry” I’ve forgotten to do something (no matter how small) – “I’m sorry” I coughed too loudly “I’m sorry”! it really is bloody stupid!
There was another time I was giving a friend a lift somewhere and there where a lot of speed bumps in the road, resulting in the car – obviously – bumping up and down. Guess what, I apologised!! I mean seriously it’s not my bloody fault the council decided to put speed bumps in this street! But I honestly felt the overwhelming need to apologise!
I honestly don’t know why. Part of me blames my mental health issues but another part thinks it’s just the way I am. Almost anything I do or feel I feel the need to apologise for. I struggle with low self esteem and low self worth so to me anything I do for myself I feel selfish and extremely guilty!
Last week I was really ill. I had a terrible stomach bug and before that the flu! I felt as if I had been run over by bus. But instead of looking after myself, taking a step back and resting – I couldn’t. I literally could not let my family down. So I continued to do everything as best as I could. Washing, cleaning, taking my little boy to preschool and his ballet and gymnastics classes. I cooked meals, did the shopping and even launched my blog, attended meeting and did an interview! But guess what – I STILL APOLOGISED!
“I’m sorry it took me so long to get everything done.”
“I’m sorry we’ve got pasta again for dinner.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t done the washing up yet.”
“I’m sorry I’m ill!”
I mean isn’t that just bloody ridiculous! It drives my husband mad! And I’m not doing it for attention. I really truly feel like I’ve let my family down if I’m not being superwoman! I am a complete perfectionist so I guess the apologising steams from there also but I am aware it is so stupid!
Needless to say I got worse not better and had another week of struggling pretty badly. My mental health took a severe dive and resulted in my husband forcing me to go to bed for a few days!! Oh and guess what, I apologised!
“I’m sorry for being so ill.”
“I’m sorry for going to bed early.”
“I’m sorry I’m a crap wife and leaving you on your own.”
I cant help it! I just want to do my best by people and look after them. I know what it’s like to feel unloved and not looked after so I strive to look after everyone else. It’s who I am. i always put everyone else before myself. I will work myself into the ground to make sure my family are happy and healthy, but in a strange way I am glad I am like that. It shows I am a devoted wife and mother and although I know I need to pull back sometimes and ask for help – I’m working on that – I shouldn’t be apologising for who I am!
Lots of love to you all.