When I first started to write this blog I made myself a promise that I was going to be honest. Years and years of lying and this is my time to be honest.
So, I do still have bad days! But it is OK!
Not very often but they do still creep up on me.
For the past few months or so I’ve been feeling good – maybe even really good a lot of the time. Holding things together personally and at home. Doing well in therapy. Focusing on the future. I’m off of my anti psychotic medication, generally doing well in all areas.
However, a few weeks or so ago something changed. I felt it the minute I woke up. I felt – different.
The first questions I asked myself were, “Am I nervous about something?” “Did I have a bad dream” “Has my routine changed?” Nope. No reason for it.
I kept my usual routine that morning with my little boy but I couldn’t shift this feeling of dread. It followed me around all day and into the evening.
The next morning was worse. The feeling of dread hung lower and despite my desperate attempts to think positive and keep busy it did nothing but postpone the inevitable.
I felt like I was stood on the edge of a cliff watching a huge storm coming on the horizon. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. It’s coming!
Needless to say the storm hit. And it hit pretty hard.
Severe negative thoughts that I just couldn’t shift. Crippling anxiety. Outbursts of anger that then led to a bad case of self harm.
Ashamed, angry and disgusted, I was with myself. I felt like a complete and utter failure!
I was getting better, doing so well, how pathetic am I?! I can’t even get better without messing it all up!! I can’t do this anymore. I want out!
Having had a few days to reflect and an amazing husband to talk things through with, I’m now feeling a lot better about things.
I’m still mad at myself that I self harmed but I’ve made my peace with it. I haven’t done anything like this in nearly 7 months. So really – it’s an achievement! From self harming daily I’ve now only done it once in 7 months.
I have had to accept that this will almost certainly happened again but a lot less frequently.
I am getting better. My outlook is much more positive.
Just because I’ve had one blip does not mean I’m back where I was a year or 2 years ago.
And by acknowledging these times and turning them into positives I want to show you that recovery IS possible!
Recovery is not a destination. Recovery is a long journey.
But just remember you are worth all of this effort you’re putting in. Keep pushing on!
Lots of love to you all.