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Guilty!

It follows me everywhere. Present at almost every moment in my life.

Guilt.

I’m not just talking about the ordinary crappy mummy guilt that many of us feel. I’m talking take over your every waking thought causing anxiety and depression, kind of guilt!

guilt

I literally feel guilty about everything! I can’t help it. If I have not done enough housework, I feel guilty that I am letting my family down. On the other hand if I spend all morning cleaning I then feel guilty that I might not be spending enough time with my little boy or on my work.

I feel guilty when I am looking at my phone and don’t play with my little boy the entire time. But then I will feel guilty if my whole attention is on my little boy and I’ve missed important calls or messages from people!

I feel guilty when we watch television – we should be playing something educational! I then feel guilty if we do something educational and he doesn’t get it right – I feel like it’s my fault and I am letting him down!

I feel guilty that I don’t take him to the park more often. It’s only 2 minutes from our house!

I mean seriously – shut up Amy!

One of my biggest feelings of guilt that I still feel everyday is the fact that I couldn’t breastfeed my son for long enough. I only managed 8 weeks as there were a lot of issues.I tried and I tried. I saw specialists and attended groups but I just couldn’t make it work. He just didn’t want to feed! Now whenever he is poorly I feel that this is my fault. If I had only been able to breastfeed him properly he wouldn’t get so many colds or tummy bugs etc. I feel extremely guilty for this.

But as I said it’s not just the mummy stuff I feel guilty for. It can be everything and anything.

guilt

I feel guilty when I’m with people in conversation and I am telling a story or talking about me. I will get this overwhelming feeling of guilt that I am talking and immediately stop!

I feel guilty that my husband has to live with this broken woman now. I am not the same person he married and fell in love with. He has had to deal with so much. I feel so guilty for this.

I’m so guilty that I’ve not been able to work for the last few years due to being so ill. My husband is the sole bread winner and I am not used to that and I don’t like it. It’s a lot of pressure on him and I feel guilty for putting this pressure on him!

I feel awful when I am forced to have ‘me’ time. For my well being I am constantly told or made to have ‘me’ time. Whether it be a bath or time to paint my nails or just time alone to do some yoga. I feel extremely guilty as I really don’t feel like I deserve it. I then try and make up for it by getting my husband to have a bath or offering to do things for him to calm my guilty feelings.

The list really does go on and on and on……

The thing is it really doesn’t matter what day it is I will always be feeling guilty for something. And it really is an overwhelming feeling. I know it annoys some people close to me but I genuinely can’t help it. I absolutely have to have everyone OK with me. If I think, even for the smallest moment that I have put someone out or upset them then my anxiety will rocket out of control and the guilty feelings and emotions take over.

This is why I can never accept help.

I am the problem.

I am the burden.

They will never talk to me again.

I am always causing issues.

It is a very vicious cycle that I know causes me huge amounts of stress and anxiety but I am not sure how to change that at the moment. I am hoping some therapy will help. But if you have any tips that I could try then I would absolutely love to here them.

Stay strong.

Lots of love to you all.

Amy xx

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  • Reply Depression – My Experience – Sharing stories, articles and blogs on mental health to help reduce the stigma

    […] – I have written a post before about guilt and how it can be all consuming and frankly soul destroying. Depression leaves me feeling guilty all […]

    July 4, 2017 at 3:05 pm
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