As most of you are aware I attend Psychological group therapy every week. But I have recently experienced a group therapy session that made me feel out of control.
My therapy sessions are generally pretty testing – as they should be – but on this occasion I felt completely and utterly out of control!
For those of you that are close to me you will know I am not one for talking about therapy sessions. Over the years I have never divulged anything more than “yes it’s fine” or “It was a bit tough but ok.” Today I am going to talk about last weeks experience but I won’t go into detail for obvious reasons.
So last Fridays group therapy. The word horrendous springs to mind for me. Basically in the group someone appeared and presented anger and violent tendencies. Only in a minor way but due to certain past events in my life I really hate confrontation and people that are angry really frighten me.
Anyway, lets just say I was extremely uncomfortable whilst two members of the group were in a full on confrontation. This continued for nearly the entire therapy session – non stop! Needless to say I was really agitated and anxious. Without really realising it I had begun to scratch my hands until they were red raw. My breathing was short and rapid and my leg was jiggling out of control! I was panicking. I was basically having and anxiety attack!
My mind and body were screaming to get out of there but I managed to stay! The Psychologist pointed out that I was distressed, I just explained it was my anxiety and that I would be fine!
I knew I wasn’t fine. Far from it. I wanted to scream “SHUT UP” I wanted to run and breakdown in tears. But I didn’t. I kept it all inside. I just had to make it to the end of the session. Which I did. As soon as the door of the room was opened I literally ran to my car. I got home, still full of anxiety I was desperate to get these feels gone as soon as possible as I only had 45 minutes until I had to collect my son from preschool.
I turned on the T.V and put on a crappy bit of daytime television and it worked – short term anyway.
I was absolutely exhausted from that constant feeling of dread in my stomach and the feeling of not being able breath properly. This lasted all evening until I got into bed and it just got worse! I replayed the whole session over and over in my head. What was said by everyone else in the room. What I said. What I didn’t say. What I think people are think of me. Whether I should have kept my mouth shut? And generally beating myself up about every little thing possible.
I had almost forgotten how hard it was to live with these feelings. The way they all gang up on you and attack when you are feeling at your most vulnerable. It really makes me wonder how on earth I did this every single day for all those years!
This was an awful experience that made me feel completely out of control. If I am honest what I really felt like doing was self harming and starving myself just to gain back some control.
I am happy to report I didn’t. And I am pretty proud of myself for that but I really do wish I could manage these emotions better but I guess this will come with time.
I am going back tomorrow and I intend to be open and honest about my feelings – no matter how uncomfortable I might feel. I am going to work hard to get better.
I will keep you posted.
Lots of love to you all