This week and last week in particular have been some of those ‘Don’t let anxiety win!’ kind of weeks.
I am absolutely exhausted by it. Mentally, emotionally and psychically.
Anxiety has been with me for as long as I can remember and it really sucks! It’s also really misunderstood. I was told just last week to “just calm down”, “stop doing this all the time” “just stop worrying about it!” Very unhelpful when you are in the throws of an anxiety attack.
Last week I had awful anxiety was because of an event I was attending in London with one of best friends. I had booked it months ago. I was so looking forward it but anxiety had other ideas. As of the Sunday anxiety hit and there was no calming it…
I was going to cancel. But I needed a reason. What would my friend think of me? Would I regret not going? Would I really miss out? What would happen to my boys if I did go but then couldn’t get back. Should I tell anyone I’m feeling like this? Right, I am really not going.
And these thoughts are all in the space of around 30 seconds – yes really!
Physically my body felt out of control too. My heart was actually hurting, it was pounding so much I thought it would jump out of my chest or stop beating altogether. I couldn’t catch my breath. I was sweating and pacing and getting angry and crying. I also very nearly self harmed – I stopped myself, how, I’m not entirely sure but I did and I am proud of that at least. But honestly – What the hell is wrong with me. I am definitely not going to this event. this is pathetic!
I know, I know it all sounds very melodramatic but unfortunately this is anxiety! It’s not being a little nervous or anxious about something it’s – take over your body, mind and ultimately life, anxiety!
Luckily the friend going to the event with me is amazing! So understanding and she really put me at ease. My other best friend who was looking after my boys for me was equally amazing so I know I am very very lucky. I spoke to them – well text as I couldn’t put a sentence together at this point – and explained my worries, my fears and feelings and they’ve been awesome! So yes I did go to the event and yes I had an awesome time!
Don’t let anxiety win is the title of this post and it’s true you shouldn’t but I am well aware it’s not that easy. I was pacing up and down in my kitchen saying – I’m not going to let you win – but had no idea if it actually was going to or not.
The thing with anxiety is it creeps up on you and spoils things before they’ve even arrived. I really wanted to go to this event. I wanted to have a proper catch up with one of my best friends and wanted a few hours off from being mummy I wanted to learn and network but anxiety made me believe that going would be awful. It’s the worst thing I could do. Terrible things would happen if I went and at the time you are so consumed in that that you believe it. 100%.
I know it sounds over the top and melodramatic but I refuse to stop talking about it. It’s what I feel. It’s what I go through. It’s hell! I’m lucky I do have a good set of friends and my amazing husband but if I didn’t I know that there would be a lot of occasions where I simply wouldn’t leave the house.
Don’t let anxiety win! Please don’t. Speak to a Dr who may be able to refer you for therapy or give you some medication to help. Read some books on managing anxiety. I have reviewed one here which was fantastic! Also check out mental health charities – Mind is a fantastic resource and I use their pages all the time. Click here for the anxiety pages.
Ultimately we all need a bit of anxiety. It’s normal. It’s the age old fight or flight response. But when anxiety keeps appearing at times when it shouldn’t and it appears too much of the time then that’s when you need to get some help. And please believe me when I say there is no shame in asking for help. If you had a physical illness that prevented you from doing things you’d get help wouldn’t you?
Please be kind, you never know what battles people might be facing.
Love Amy x