OK, so I’m just going to say it.
Just because I have Boarderline personality disorder doesn’t mean I’m automatically going to be a bad mother!
I’m saying this because this is what I instantly thought when first diagnosed with BPD. I thought I had failed. I’ve got these issues now so I can never be any kind of mother, let alone a good one!
But I am here to be brave and say – I am a good mum!
I’ve always been extremely protective of my little boy H. I’ve always given him lots of attention, love and affection. I’ve played games, baked cakes, cooked, been creative and arranged days out.
I am always cooking meals from scratch and try to make sure he is as healthy as possible. My husband and I are always being told what a lovely kind, polite boy H is.
This is so lovely. Amazing in fact, because how can this be true? I’ve got Boarderline Personality Disorder??
BPD rules my life so I must be failing him! I must be doing something wrong!
This is very much the way you are treated by professionals after you your diagnosis – I was at least. It is very wrong and unfair and it actually feeds our negative views we already have of ourselves.
“Everyone would be better of without me.”
“I may as well disappear as I am failing at everything.”
I was terrifyingly thrown into the world of social services after my diagnosis. Meetings, appointments, checks on me, my family and friends and even my house! There was never any question that there was any harm coming to H but I was told after we had been discharged from social services, the reason they got so involved is because of my diagnosis? I mean, seriously! My family and I went through hell and back because I had a diagnosis that suggests I might not be a good mum?
Professionals should NOT be focusing on these bad or negative things. They should be focusing on and encouraging the positives you are bring to your child’s lives. They should be treating every case individually and of course if there is a need for intervention then absolutely 100% I agree with the necessary precautions being taken. But please don’t assume that because I have BPD that I am not a good mother.
It’s because I have BPD I actually feel it makes me a better mother at times. I am very sensitive and feel every emotion very intensely. Because of this it makes me closer and able to understand H more. I can put myself in his shoes and communicate better with him.
Because I like to see people I care about happy, I do a lot with him. Take him to his favourite places, play his favourite games and make him smile at every opportunity that I can.
Now doesn’t that sound like a bloody awful mother to you?!
Don’t get me wrong my friends and family told me – and do tell me – that I am a good mum but at that difficult time I needed to hear to from the people that mattered to me at that time. The professionals.
Ultimately I do now believe that I am a good mum.
Wow did I just say that!!??
There are always days when I look back and feel guilty for what I feel I put H through when I was at my worst. I look back and think that for over half of his life I was ill! What a shit mother!
But then I remind myself – with the help of my awesome husband, friends and family – that he didn’t really suffer. He spent plenty of time with friends and family that adored him. He grew in confidence and more importantly it gave me the time and space I needed to get better. So that I could look after him to the fullest.
I’m not a perfect mother. Far from it. But I am no longer striving for perfection. I am just doing the best I can with an amazing little boy I am blessed to have in my life.
Lots of love