Last Thursday I had a day of meetings and appointments. I haven’t had a day like this for quite a while, where I spent majority of my day in the hospital where I was very poorly, back where it all started for me. But I have had to learn, that if I want to get better, I have to endure difficult situations, places and even people.
Walking into the building was weird! Anxiety provoking and a bit scary if I’m honest. After a few deep breaths and comforting words from my husband I went in – on my own too! Go me! It was really weird though. Seeing that nothing had changed. I was sent to the same waiting rooms, spoke to the same staff members, smelt the same smells and saw the same patients. It was like stepping back in time. My knees started jiggling like they always did, my heart was pounding fasting and I did consider just leaving! These are the feelings that consumed me all the time at this place but this time I held out. I distracted myself and stayed.
I am glad that I did too.
My first appointment was with a senior Psychotherapist. She was the lady that basically stood between me and a new therapy that I really wanted to start! So no pressure! I was extremely anxious about meeting this lady but I needn’t have been. She was lovely. She led me to one of the meeting rooms – I always hated this bit – a long walk through a maze of rooms all very clinical looking and smelling! Makes me shudder just thinking about it again.
Anyway the meeting was a tough one. I wasn’t expecting it to be so in-depth. It brought up a lot of past issues and difficult feelings which were difficult to discuss, especially after not discussing them for so long but it also made me realise how much I have left to work on and how important this Psychotherapy group would be for me. Despite the meeting being a difficult one I was offered a place on the programme which I was thrilled with! I have high hopes for this therapy and I am looking forward to starting in a few weeks.
Later on that day I met with my next professional. Going away from the hospital and coming back again was a bloody nightmare and to be honest if my husband hadn’t driven me on this occasion I probably wouldn’t have gone.
This appointment was with my CPN, my Psychiatric Nurse who has been somewhat of a nightmare to get hold of over the past 6 months so it has caused me a lot of anxiety. But I met with her and despite the nervous leg jiggling and hand scratching I thought it went well. She was lovely. She understood me, my diagnosis and my needs now and my hopes for the future. We had a long discussion and have decided to see my Psychiatrist and discuss a change in medication, which I am also happy about.
All in all it was a successful day.
I feel much better about the future of my mental health. I was beginning to think that my extreme mood swings, impulsive behaviour and other frustrating BPD traits were something that I was stuck with. That I had no choice but to live with these extremes everyday. However, after today I have already learnt that with a change in medication and different types of therapy I can balance things out and generally make my daily living a little bit easier.
On a final note I want to say that I am not ashamed by taking medication. This time last year I was. I HATED it! But now I think differently. I am taking medication that has been prescribed by a medical professional because I need it!
What is there to be ashamed of?
Lots of love to you all.