So it’s been 6 weeks since I’ve posted a blog post. But I am back from a mental health break.
It’s felt strange not posting but I know why I took a break – I had to really. It wasn’t something that I thought a lot about, it was, unfortunately something I didn’t have a choice over. I had become so stressed. I was overwhelmed, depressed and anxious. At it’s worst I hit rock bottom. The black clouds had descended over me and I really felt empty and numb and that is the scariest place for me to be.
It is a hard thing to get others to understand, so it’s a hard thing to explain. But I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel low or upset or even angry or cross. I felt nothing. I didn’t care about things that I had done before. Things I really should care about, well there were no feelings there at all. I was simply floating through my day to day life. Floating in a bubble a dark bubble that shielded the world from my illnesses but enabled me to to continue with my fake smile and continue with the tasks I had no choice but to do – feeding and looking after my children, taking my son to school ….
Again, as I have said many times in the past, this hit me pretty much out of no where. Yes I felt busy, I felt like i was doing a lot but I was handling it and I was actually enjoying being busy so I don’t know if that was a factor or not. I am never sure whether doing to much helps me or hinders me.
I am still being let down by my mental health team, who have left me with no care for over 8 weeks so I really don’t think that helped at all. I have looked into private care but it is still completely out of the question. So I guess I felt like – what’s the point?!
I said this a lot to a close friend.
What is the point.
I can’t be bothered.
I just don’t have the energy anymore.
I’m not fussed.
I don’t care.
These are big sign for me that things are bad. A sign that should scream to anyone close to me that something is very wrong. I always care about everyone and everything (too much most of the time) so to suddenly just stop caring is out of the ordinary to say the least. I’m a very positive person and will always look for a solution with a positive spin, So to not want to try, not being bothered or simply have no energy to try, again, is very not me. Also I am someone who is always – always early for everything. It’s often a bit of joke, I can’t be late to anything even if I try to be. When things have slipped that’s when I’m repeatedly late for things. And not really caring that I’m late either.
Think about your friends or loved ones and if this ever happens with them or if their character or their values even, start to change rapidly then step in. They might need you more than ever but not even know it.
This is hind sight – which of course is a wonderful thing – but when I’m living it I can’t see these things so I guess I need someone to notice for me and step in.
My friend saved me this time. I was definitely suicidal. I had reached that point of “I just want to disappear” and she sensed this and stayed on my case I suppose. She was good at treading gently and listened but eventually she helped pull me out. I’m incredibly lucky to have her. I have never had anyone like this in my life before and she means the world to me. But I understand that not everyone has someone like I do so I want to help.
In those dark moments nothing seems to change your mind. Sometimes it will seem like the easiest thing to do will be to switch of the light but I promise you from someone who has been there with my finger on the switch many times – I am glad I failed. For the only time in my life I am glad I never succeeded at something. I’m glad I never got that far this time. Life can get better. It really can. It sounds too simple, I know. It sounds like I’m just saying it because it’s the right thing to say, but honestly I have lived through some awful experiences, from my childhood up to just recently in the past few years and I am telling you – IT DOES GET BETTER. You grow stronger. You realise what in life is important.
I do also understand that when you’ve made that decision sometimes your mind is set and there is no going back. That’s nothing to do with stubbornness its mental illnesses that does this. It’s no longer a choice at this stage – I never felt anyway – its the opposite. You have no choice. You have to do it. Depression and mental illnesses warp your mind into believing you’re worthless, and that people would be better off without you, but I am going to say, 1000 times if i have to, this world would NOT be better off without you!
There is no shame in taking a break. There is no shame in resting. Saying no. Mental health is just as important and physical health – no matter what our minds might tell us!
I am back from a mental health break and I suppose you could say it saved my life.
Please take care of yourselves and others. We are all facing battles.
Be kind always,
Lots of love,