Anorexia and me.
How would you feel if you were told every day that you were fat? Huge? Disgusting? You were told that the revolting way that your body moves around puts people off of their food. They are disgusted by you and your body. When summer approaches and you start showing more skin it makes others around you want to vomit.
How would you feel if you were told you were pathetic. You can’t do anything right – ever. You are not only ugly on the outside but on the inside as well. Everyone is either laughing at you or disgusted by you.
How would you feel if your best friend spoke to you like that?
Would you get rid of them as fast as possible?
Tell her to F**K OFF!
Well I don’t do that. That’s not to say that there haven’t been times when I’ve wanted too or maybe even tried but she keeps coming back and what’s worse, I let her.
That’s Anorexia and me.
A friend that tells you the really difficult things must be the best kind right? She tells me the things that no one else does. She tells me I am a “fat bitch and not to eat another bite!” No one else would. She screams at me to “get some self control” when I’m eating a meal and don’t realise that I’ve nearly eaten the whole thing! She demands I do exercise over and over again to try and rid myself of this awful body.
The list goes on.
Not many people have a friend willing to be that honest. I’m lucky really.
And to be honest she isn’t telling me things I don’t already know. I know she’s right. I stand in front of the mirror and there have honestly been times I thought I was going to be sick staring at that huge blobby mess. But this is why she’s so great. She pushes me to get better. To get results.
If I slip she’s there to catch me. If I fail she will force me to do it again and do it right. Without her I am a complete failure. At least she is wanting and helping me to be better.
This is my life a lot of the time, Anorexia and me. Anorexia my best friend.
Some days a lot better. But some days a lot worse.
I feel trapped. She is always there watching and waiting for me to put my guard down. Waiting for me to be in that vulnerable place where I truly believe I need her again.
Anorexia really does feel like my best friend some of the time. The only one who understands me and what I want. But then there are other times that I hate her with every single part of me. I want her dead.
Right now she’s here. I feel as though I have her under control and at arms length and I hope I continue to keep it that way. I feel as though I am in control right now. Although having said that does that mean I have already lost it?
Anorexia and me is going to be a life long battle. I know that. But as long as I keep on talking I am hoping she will shrink over time.
For now at least I am ok.
Stay strong, stay safe.
Love Amy x
P.S Please do not suffer in silence if you can in anyway relate to this post or you know someone that may be suffering. Anorexia is a terrible debilitating mental illness. If you can’t speak to a GP right away then Beat are a fantastic charity who have helped me over the years.