This blog was written a little while ago but still very relevant.
Everything seems to be changing again.
I can feel my moods taking a turn.
I’m trying to think positive and keep busy but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted by it all. I just want to be on my own. All the time! But I force myself – and for anyone who really knows these feelings it’s not easy – to turn my thoughts around and spend time with friends and family as I know they are the best medicine and I am blessed to have them.
I have noticed that my eating has started to cloud my mind again. I HATE the fact I’ve put on weight. Some of my clothes are stating to feel tight and I’m starting to see food as ‘good and bad’ and instantly weighing up how many calories are in each food.
I guess the fact that I am noticing these feelings and changes are what’s important.
Noticing, letting myself acknowledge the feelings are there and talking about them. Then trying to move on with my day in a happy positive way.
Now that sounds lovely. Easy peasy.
But seriously, it’s like trying to run through tar! Every positive thought is attacked by 2/3/4 negative ones. Anything negative that might happen during the day you grab hold of as a “See what’s the point!” Kind of moment. Trying to get out of this pattern as early as possible is key. It’s hard but it has to be done!
I’ve seen my GP recently and upped my medication slightly which I saw as a huge step back. A big negative slap in face – “See I knew I wasn’t really getting better!”
But actually, now, as I write this I’ve changed my thoughts. I am taking medication that helps me and because I NEED IT! Just like a person with high blood pressure or diabetes. Why can or should they take medication for their heart, liver or blood but I can’t or shouldn’t for my brain?
I am not ashamed of living with mental health issues and I am not ashamed of having to take medication to help me with them either.
I have also, in the few months or so, made a pretty big decision about my care. I’ve made the decision not to go ahead with my 18 month intensive therapy.
It’s something I’ve been unsure of for many months now but as it was the only available option on the NHS (so I was told) I excepted that I had to do it. However, I’ve weighed up the pros and cons and had many conversations with my husband and decided that it just isn’t for me.
I have never ever trusted my own judgement before. I have always done whatever anyone has told me to do, whether I believed it to be right or not. I was always to scared of being wrong and never believed I was good or clever enough to make such important decisions.
Now I’m different. I now know what my gut feeling is and to trust it.
I have this feeling deep down in my stomach saying “This is not right for you” “Be brave” “Say no!”
I’ve also come across so many problems with trying to actually get into the group therapy. Holidays, childcare and medication to name a few. I believe that if things are meant to be then things should flow, yes there will be obstacles, but they will be part of the journey not causing problems and stress in your life. Which this most certainly was.
After making the decision I was scared. But at the same time I felt a feeling of lightness and even freedom. I now have just begun a Psychotherapy group. Shorter in length and only one day a week. I know I am in need of some help and I need to take responsibility for that.
Life may throw some heavy stuff at me but I refuse to sink! I’ve come so far. It’s a daily battle that most people have no idea about. But I am blessed to have so many amazing people around me and I have so much to look forward to.
Sending love and happiness to you all.