So I have reached 16 weeks into my pregnancy. But how is my mental health? How do I feel?
For those of you that read my blog you will know that I am honest, very honest about what I am going through and this post is no different. Far too many women are afraid to voice how they really feel during pregnancy for fear of being judged. There is this idea that women, all women, should love being pregnant and they should be joyful and full of excitement the whole time. And although this may happen for some expectant mothers it is certainly not always the case.
At 16 weeks I feel – weird!
After weeks and weeks of awful morning (all day) sickness then 3 weeks of excitement and enjoying telling everyone about the pregnancy, I now just feel weird!
I’m not sad but I’m not exactly happy either. I am definitely NOT regretting the pregnancy at all but there are certainly moments that I am left thinking – Am I doing the right thing?
I didn’t feel anything at all like what I am feeling when I was pregnant with H so it is a little worrying. I suffered awful postnatal depression, but of course that was after the birth. This all feels quite different.
My moods have taken a massive turn. They are beginning to be quite erratic. After coming off of my anti psychotic medication at the beginning of pregnancy I didn’t really notice a change at all that is why I didn’t choose to stay on them, but now all of a sudden it’s like someone has flicked a switch! I am up and down like a yo-yo. On a constant roller coaster of feelings and emotions, never knowing what mood I will wake up in or switch to next.
The smallest thing will set me off and I will become agitated and snappy. Some of this is most probably pregnancy hormones as well but I definitely recognise the signs of my BPD mood swings returning.
Sleeping is another monster that has crept out of the shadows. Not sleeping that is. I have not had a full nights sleep in several months now, again due to coming off of my anti psychotic medication. Not being able to sleep is a big trigger for me as well. The less I sleep the further down I sink. I have made an appointment to see my GP and midwife but to be honest I am not sure what they are going to suggest? Is it dangerous to go back on my medication? Or is it more dangerous not to go back on it? I guess I will have to wait and see.
Another demon that has reared it’s ugly head is my anorexia. I thought I had over come the anorexic thinking patterns for a while but unfortunately it seems I was wrong.
I am not restricting my food or cutting anything out. I am still eating 3 meals a day plus snacks I am just very aware of how I am looking at at food as good and bad again. I am so unhappy with how I look. I wouldn’t mind just my bump but it’s the fat on my thighs, hips and bum. It’s just awful and I can’t look at myself in the mirror at the moment. I am exercising – but not too much, I am walking a lot and have pregnancy yoga booked to start very soon.
I am aware that it is a positive that I am noticing these changes in my thinking and I am trying my hardest everyday to focus on the positive parts of why my body is changing – my gorgeous baby!
So, overall for me things are a bit all over the place. But I am a positive person and I am determined to rise above these difficulties and enjoy my pregnancy again.
It would be great to hear from anyone who has been through anything similar or any tips and advice you might have.
Lots of love